~Heartbreak can harden the heart or break the soul~

Friends are supposed to understand and respect you at all times. I know sometimes things get carried away and anger and other properties come into play, but why is it that every time you and I are together along with other people, you are like another person?

You laugh and put me down and don't seem to get that it hurts me. Is that how a friend acts? I consider you my best friend but sometimes I doubt. I know when you are kidding and teasing and that's fine, but it's when you speak carelessly to me, make it like I'm nothing that it affects me. You ought to know that I am not a social person. Only with those close to me will I open up a little but yet, you seem to take advantage of it. You put up an act hoping to act cool and make punches at me, hit after hit, and fail to notice the strained smile on my face and the odd quiet that captures me.

I do not know how you can do this. I don't do this, or at least I try not to or am not aware that I do this. I'm sorry if I do. I was not brought up this way and am not used to it. It all seems fine when I'm out in the open but what you don't know is that once I get home and all the walls come down, is when the real emotions start.

Your friend does the same crude taunts and put downs, but it means less to me then when it concerns you. You are closer to me then she is and each time you do this, I find myself distrusting you more and more. Doubting our friendship more and more.

Though I may seem confident out in public in truth I am really not. Unknown to all except one, my situation is far from over. Even to that individual, they do not know the whole truth. It threatens my future and my sanity. My self-esteem is at a very low level right now and there are times that I really seriously want to give up. No one knows how close I've come to the edge but stayed because of my beliefs.

In a way I hope you find this page and realize who I am talking about and in a way I hope you don't. I'm afraid that it may strain our friendship and make us drift further apart then I feel like we already are. I know I may seem like a complainer, but I have to let these feelings out as fast as I can for if I don't I fear the consequences.
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