Have you ever felt the need to cry? Just cry for the sake of crying? To let out something that you do not know what?

I don't know why but I feel incredibly restless today. Maybe it's because it was a nice day today and I was cooped up the whole time doing nothing. Or maybe cause it's because I have to finish five courses in the span of a month. Or maybe it is because I am for some godforsaken reason lonely. I don't know.

My sister neglects to call me when she tells me that she's coming out and I was planning on going up for a week. So I ditch that plan to wait for her. Well, nothing yet, and she has school tomorrow so I'm positive she's gone now. So no trip home. I have not seen ba in a few months and I'm missing him. Though I would not tell him that. I don't know why, call it pride. I haven't been to Vancouver to see everyone this year for summer and I got news of the decline in health of a close relative. No replies on anything I do. Rumors and lies are spreading around about me that are untrue by a family member that I trusted and I don't know...

I just want something to do to get my mind off things. It seems that today suddenly everything that has happened in the past year is suddenly hitting me like pelting rocks. I know I get no replies because it's cram season. Finals are in the air. My sister because I know things come up, my dad because he has to work and it is expensive to come out especially now that we have no car. I have a mundane life. I feel like I'm being left behind. But it's okay. I prayed with my church group for my grandfather and I hear that his condition has improved vastly and he can walk and everything now. So I am grateful.

Sucks. Everyone it seems is doing well in life. Going forward and I'm just standing still. I pray to god that he gives me a direction. Maybe I'm meant to stay as I am. Be the one that never changes but that can never happen. Everything changes regardless of time. My sister is graduating and my cousin is accelerating with her studies. My aunt is having the time of her life with someone new (nothing indecent though). Mom is away taking care of my cousin. I don't know. I know I sound pathetic but I feel hopeless.

I hate feeling like this. It makes me think of all the times that I've failed, all the times that I've been compared to someone else, how someone is so much more then me. Being told, 'why can't you be like her' or 'she's so smart and such a nice pretty girl'. I know I'm not smart or pretty. I don't know how to cook and I'm not very nice at times. I curse when I'm angry and I'm not very feminine or gentle. But god, do you have to keep shoving it in my face? I know she's doing well, you don't have to tell me. I am acutely aware of that. And I know that I am doing a crappy job and am good for nothing. Okay, stopping this thought line.

Maybe I'm depressed but fear not. It's only a temporary thing. Momentary chemical imbalance. I just have low self esteem is all. Man I wish I had a dog. I could tell it anything and it wouldn't judge me and I could take care of it. It would comfort me and help me through things. Augh, I'm too emotional. It's dangerous getting too close. You never know when they'll turn on you. Never was a social person. Maybe I should get some plants, flowering ones. Something that I can dote on. Make bloom. I hate the city. There's nothing here for me.

Sometimes I can't help but think how high up I am. I could try flying with the knowledge that I'll fail and nothing would stop me except for the ground. Maybe it's just PMS or something. But I don't get PMS. Is it possible to get it later in life?

It's always the same. I start with a feeling then it progresses to some sort of sadness then for some reason I feel angry. Maybe I'm bipolar. Sure feels like it sometimes. Now I can see why men say they don't understand women. Hell, I can't even understand me.

Gosh, look at me. I'm crying. Heh...what a wimp. Seems like I use this blog for nothing but belly aching and moaning. Just call it my release. I know I come out to people who know me as strong and stuff but right now, I feel vulnerable. I feel hopeless. I feel alone, though having a roommate would only mean that I'd have to feel what I feel now at some other time when I'm alone. I can't stand showing weakness in public even with family cause some family cannot be trusted. I can't help feeling insecure.

Right now I want nothing except a hug.
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It's been a while...and though the hurt is less intense, it still pains me when I am reminded of it.

I miss your friendship and what we once had though from the outcome, it seems that it meant more to me then it did to you. I think part of my problem is that I still do not know why you did it. No warning, no explanation. I asked you what it was but you brushed me off and told me it was nothing, and continued on your way. Like the last 7 years meant nothing. Was it a game to you? To see how close you could get to me then leave abruptly? If it was I have to tell you that you have a sick sense of humour. I held you in high regards, at the level of family and you told me to consider myself your sister. I did you know. Even before you told me that. You and another were the only ones I truly considered friends cause to me I believe that friendship is not how long someone has know another but how they connect. Though some may disagree with me.

Maybe my cousin is right, I do not make friends or try to socialize in fear of getting hurt again. But I do not think that is a reason why. Though it may be wrong, I just do not want to become dependent and in a way, being friends is a dependence. Though what has happened in regards to you could be used as a explanation of my views. After all experiences shape an individual.

I sometimes wish that things were different. Would you have stayed my friend if I were prettier? Smarter? Keh...pathetic. If it were I guess in the end that would not have really been a friend. But as we can see, in the end, you really were not a friend. Probably wasn't one to begin with. Maybe I some how smothered you too much or something. Could it have been different if I pressed you more for a reason? We will never know I guess. I can not help but resent you in the slightest bit. I guess it's true that there is a thin line between love and hate. Sometimes now when I am reminded of what happened I hate you with the greatest of my being, but I can not seem to hold on to things like that for long. In the end, the short lived resentment is just tired acceptance of the fate.

All the times we spent together you, me and another. We were known as the three c's in high school. We were always seen together, or somewhere nearby. I wonder where that went. I now realise all must have been a illusion. But even with the pain you caused me, I forgive you cause....I don't know. I guess it is because I love you like a sister still and when you love another you can find it in yourself to forgive them for even some of the worst things. Now I just want to put this behind me. I do not know what I would do if another left me. Cause I only had two. Now it is just one.

That's why I was hesitant to acknowledge the comment that I was like family when another mentioned it. When you told me the exact same thing it wasn't long after that you left me without a word. I wanted to acknowledge it but was afraid for the stupidest reason. What if it was because of that thought that you deserted me? For some reason those words have become an end point, the verge to collapse. I didn't want to go through that again. She is closer to me then you were and if I was as devastated as I was when you left, I would be destroyed if she left. Though I held your friendship precious along with hers.

Still even now I cannot help but hope our once apparently psuedo friendship to be fixed I know even if that were to happen nothing would be the same. I don't think I could let you close again. Trust you as I once did again. It has hurt me too much the first time. I guess you had your reason that I may never understand. I just wish you told me that reason for anything is better then 'because'.
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