I feel like a fucking loser, lower then dirt. I feel worthless.

Today I saw some ass push down an old lady and run away with her purse. I didn't know what was happening. One moment I was tying my shoe and the next, there is a little old lady like 150 feet from me screaming her head off. I looked up and looked around. I didn't know what was happening, caught a look at a rapidly fleeing bright blue spot and all I can do is watch this guy run away. I just STOOD there!!! It was just me and this other guy in a suit next to me on the sidewalk. I'm so fucking stupid. I didn't do anything but stand there with my mouth open.

What pains me the most is that with the distance he had to run that corner and the distance I had to run in a straight line, I think I probably could have caught him. AND I JUST STOOD THERE!!!! what does that say about me? Stupid fucking idiot that just watches while a little old lady is robbed. My sister didn't help matters much either. She yelled at me asking 'why I didn't do anything'. I didn't know what was happening. But I have to admit, I think I hesitated. I felt horrible the whole day, I wanted to cry. And I got the feeling that my friend's brother probably felt the same way my sister had. She says she would have thrown a rock at him. Yeah, right. Saying one and doing is another. Not that a rock would have done much, considering she actually found one. I still feel horrible. You don't know how much I hate myself right now. I'm really upset, though some of that could be from being too tired.

My mom says I couldn't do anything about it. But the thing is that I could've. I know regret won't change anything now, but I still could've done at least something.

God, I feel so selfish. Forgive me God. I'm going to hell, and I wouldn't complain. I really hate myself. Stupid worthless moron. Tara was right, I am a bitch and all the above.
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I hate it.

People thinking they know what's happening. Because you know what? You don't!

It's easy to talk but it's much harder to do. You tell me I should figure out what I want. But I'm still young. I don't know what's out there and I'm still exploring and your nagging and scolding and condescending is not helping me. It's stressing me out. It makes me feel trapped.

There are too many opinions coming at me. I can't even think straight and know what I want anymore. I used to know but now I don't. I know you just want to help but what you're doing isn't helping. I know it would be best if I had an inking of what I would like to do but I don't and you know what? I'm not the only one. Just because I come from this family doesn't make me any different from everyone else. We all have a time where we don't know where we are going and that's where I am.

I can't study with people around me. That's why I do it at night because everyone is asleep. People complain that I sleep too late. Just because I don't show blatantly that I'm studying doesn't mean that I don't study. I do and I have the personal notes to prove it. Like in Pysch, one chapter can have up to 20 pages of notes double sided and single spaced with all the info that I think is important to the chapter. Then I re-type them out and they come around 10 pages double sided and single spaced. With answers to questions listed in the corners I read them over.

I don't party, I don't fool around, and I don't do drugs. Now with everyone coming down on me wanting me to do this and that, I can't concentrate on what I want anymore. They make me second guess myself. I feel like I have no self esteem anymore. People tell me that I'm getting fat and that my 'volcanos' and huge. They hint that I'm stupid. And I hate it. Fuck off people. You've already done enough damage. I know you care. But you've kicked me down more then brought me up. You make me want to quit. I'm still trying to straighten out my life. I know some of you will think that if I wanted it enough I would have still gone for it. But with no one supporting me and with what seems like everyone against me it's really hard because you all are very important to me and your opinions matter.

Believing in me, though you say you do, your actions don't show it. Actions speak louder then words and though you don't realise it, it's telling me that I'm hopeless. Leave me alone. I know that I don't seem to have it together right now but I will in time. No one knows that they want in life and what they want to do right away. I just need time to find myself. Not everyone is lucky to have a definite goal in mind and your opinions on the matter don't help me. At least I'm still going forward

It seems that if I stop all contact with everyone I may just find my purpose without interference. Please don't push me. The thought in itself is too tempting. Your comments and criticisms are starting to get to me and it's starting to make me severely dislike you. I don't like the feeling. I don't want to talk and get the same disappointed comments and raised voices. I know in your eyes that I am a failure and I don't need to be notified everytime I talk with you. Everyone is better then I am, I know, but I don't need a verbal confirmation.

Now I find that I avoid everyone who isn't physically present. It's bad because I find it hard to trust people. I was never like this. I noticed this for a while now. In high school I was never like this but what with secrets being kept from one family member to another and blatant untrue rumors going around me, it's hard to trust people in the family much less outside the family, though I know it is unfair to those not aware of what's happening inside the family.

I have nowhere quiet and safe that I can call my sanctuary. Nowhere I can hide and reflect or cry to relieve the stresses of the month. It's making me feel bi-polar and I can see and feel it. I know I should be grateful for what I have but I need to find a release soon. People, please leave me alone. I'm reaching my limit and the stresses are starting to take on a physical form. I need to find an outlet soon. Otherwise I fear it'll all take over me.
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