Why speak when no one listens?

Why ask for my opinion if you are only going to mock it?

What hits home is when someone you don't expect, does it. Someone you believed in. Everyone likes laughing with the crowd but no one likes getting laughed at. Especially when they do not find it funny, when they are telling you their beliefs, their thoughts, when they are opening themselves up to you. You asked, I responded, you belittled it. Like it was not important.

Funny how you guys tend to say I am emotionally impaired. You want to know the reason? This is one. If you cannot trust family, whom can you trust? You, I would have expected to know me better than almost anyone, or at least I thought you would know me. Did you not notice that I was suddenly silent and aloof? Schooling my features? That I failed to respond to both of your jibes? I acted like your comments did not affect me but in truth it shot me. I did not appreciate what you both did to me, but not even you noticed the change in my actions. Maybe I am just a really good actor or you are not as much a part of my life as I thought. Perhaps you just do not care.

Derisiveness, jeering, taunting, they are all synonyms of the same word did you know? It makes no difference what you call it. They're all the same, only spelled differently. I may be being dramatic but this has been plaguing me since it happened and I had to let it out somehow. It has been occurring too many times to count now. Why is this? I do not put others down as far as I can tell, I try not to be like that. My opinions do not slash other races, do not wish harm on others, and do not condemn others for their religions. Do my actions somehow cause this? Self-fulfilling prophecy and all, I do not believe and expect another person to put down my feelings. Maybe I should just shut up, my thoughts and beliefs are not welcomed.

I tried to breathe, but it still hits me with how little you know me. How you do not seem aware of my characteristics. After being with you all my life, is that possible? Is ignorance really the reason, or did you just ignore the signs that your actions affected me? Brushed it off? I can ignore the feeling for a while, but it has been returning every time I find myself drifting off. It pains me.

Do I do this? Do I not notice when others feel this way? I hope not. I truly sincerely hope I do not. If I have, I apologize a hundred times over. I would like to think I am a perceptive and considerate individual when dealing with others. But I know my view may be biased. Maybe I am looking into this too much. Perhaps these are signs, we are not as close as I had initially assumed we were. We are not as in tuned to each other as I had thought.

I know everyone has his or her moments and I forgive you for that. But still the revelation will not part with me. You probably did not realise the effect it had on my self-esteem. Most likely never will. But that is okay. You are still special to me and I do not think any less of you. You are still human, as we all are. But I think I am going to have to step back and re-evaluate many things. I wish now that I could just forget, but if that happened, this would most likely take place all over again, with or without the memory. Am I really horrible to think all of this? Perhaps something in me will have to change. Perhaps, even with family, being myself is not enough.

I am trying to let things go but even so, a new persona may have to be created. Even if only for my sanity.
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