You know sometimes I wonder. Do you really love us? Do you really love me or are you just putting on a face for the world to see. A mask in an attempt to convince yourself that it is real. One that has been worn for so long that you forget that it is not real. You seem to have one made for each occasion. One for family on one side, another for family on your side and one last one for everyone else. All of which seem to contradict one or both others. Are they really masks? Which is real? I used to know, but now I'm not so sure.

I know you probably have some sort of affection or attachment to us, be it obligation, duty, commitment, or stubbornness. Do you miss us? Do you miss me? I know you probably do sometimes but how much of that is a want for companionship? I know that want is a natural part of humanity but do you wonder how I'm doing?

You support me financially but I do not want your money. I want some of your affection. I want to be able to trust you when you say you'll do something that you'll actually do it. It frustrates me how it seems that only your thoughts and opinions matter. How you ignore what everyone else thinks in order to satisfy immediate comforts instead of doing it right and fixing the whole problem completely.

We clash. I know we do. We clash a lot. I think it is because I do not like how if you do not like what someone is saying you just yell louder and glare at them. Sometimes I fear you will snap and hurt one of us, not just hurt our feelings but something like permanently damage us somehow. Maybe that won't happen. Maybe it will. All I know is that I feel like I'm slowly breaking.

I know it is hard to sometimes see the things you cause but would it hurt to try to look a little harder? I witnessed first hand the results of your brash comments and sometimes degrading statements. I have watched my mother cry over you, I do not even know how many times I have cried lately. When we were all still together, I remember you always being ungrateful and complaining towards all the things my mother does for you. I think sometimes you are just teasing, but it is really hard to tell. Not with the way you say it. It’s not funny. It really hurts.

I know you are the sole breadwinner in this family and we are truly grateful to you. It is a great burden to have to support us as you do and we are never in want for anything regarding food and credit payments. However, because of this we rarely see you. You have never spent much time with us. I always remember you being gone at 6am gone all day till 8 pm, you arriving home, eating, watching TV for an hour and then going to sleep. That is hard. I can see. I have no right to complain since you are doing this for us.

However, on weeks you have holidays, I cannot remember a time you ever stopped and asked us if we wanted to go fly a kite. You did ask us on rare occasions, if we wanted to go and get ice cream, but that's about it. It does not matter now I guess. I am grown now and everything is redundant.

Is this what a family feels like? It seems like you try to substitute your affection with materialistic things. I wanted you to believe I could do things. Maybe if I were a boy it would be different. Would you have wanted to do things with me then? Teach me to work with tools? Talked to me more? As it is, we do not talk at all. Not that we really did in the first place I guess.

Could you be proud of me one day like you are of Ling? Would you approve of what I do like you do her? Would you think I am wonderful like Charmaine? It is like nothing I ever do pleases you. It all stupid for you. I refuse to become the doctor or lawyer you want. I know that is not possible with my personality. If there is anything I tell you 'no'. This is it. I don't know how to make you look at me and see what I am.

Words were spoken in the heat of anger. I know they can be unreliable but it makes me wonder if this is really what you think. If we were insulting each other, maybe it would be something different. They could have been words spoken to hurt as a defence. However we were not doing that. Is that really what you want? I will if it pleases you. You won't even need to acknowledge me anymore. Not that it seems that you really do anyways. We were never really connected in more than blood. Did you know that one of my friends died? Do you know that for that one year, so many things have happened that I was so close to running and leaving everything? Would you have worried? I do not like the idea of running away from things but it was such a tempting idea. I would have had enough in my account to make it for a short while if I spent it right. Maybe I would have made something of myself that you would have gladly called me your daughter. I don't know where I stand with you.

I remember all my school events. You have never been there unless it was big like my graduation. Actually, that is probably one of the only times you have attended anything in my highschool years. How many student teacher interviews did you attend? When they asked me to sing O'Canada in ECS where were you? When I won that sliver plate for best piano ensemble, were you there when they announced my name as I just stood there in shock? Heh. Sure, you were there in spirit. Would it have killed you to take one day off for it? I think you only went to one or two of my recitals, none of my concerts. What about my sports events? You seem have better things to do, even on days you had nothing.

I am sorry. I am being ungrateful aren't I? You deserve some time for yourself to relax and reflect. However, I cannot help but start to resent you lately. I am getting tired. I have never been one to hold grudges but the way I feel when I think of you, it sure feels like a grudge. I do not want anything ill to befall you. No. I just want to think of you without starting to get angry or frustrated. You have made me cry too many times to count. I am trying to stop this feeling. I don't know how to get rid of it. Not even when Katherine dumped our friendship like used paper did I hold anything against her. If this really is a grudge, you would be my first. I pray I can forgive you, but it is hard to forgive when you refuse to change and fix things.

Like you don't care. You do care for us...don't you?
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