I can't stand this.

I don't want to be idle. I don't want to be alone.

Every time I'm by myself or not doing something that takes up all of my attention I see him, just hanging there and I remember. I remember how he's not there anymore. I remember how he looked when I got him down. I remember how he was still warm when I held him.

I start thinking and I start hating myself more. I think about how I should have been the bad student and skipped school that day like I originally wanted to do. If I had, he could still be here for me to spoil with all the chicken jerky treats that he seemed to like so much and all those Denta bones that cost an arm and a leg. Did you know I bought him a jumbo box? Just for him.

I know I can't do anything about it now. Everything is as it is. I accept that...sort of. It doesn't hurt less though.

I think I've developed a phobia. I'm afraid to sleep. Afraid that if I do, I'll see him in my dreams as I found him. Did you know the night he died, I didn't sleep? I had to leave him there in the rain because it was too dark to see anything and he was too heavy for me to move on my own. Every so often that night, I thought I heard him bark and a miracle happened. A miracle that I somehow dreamed it all and that his already stiff body had begun breathing again after I left. I'd recognize his bark anywhere. I'm afraid of the silence now. It's too quiet. Too lonely. I wanted to turn on the music but I couldn't stand the music. I wanted the silence but I didn't want it.

I'm scared to go outside at night now. I know he's outside, cold under the ground somewhere. I don't want to know where. I'm afraid that in my longing, I'll somehow see him outside alive and well even though I know that it can't possibly be possible.

Call me dirty but do you know I don't want to shower now? I still do shower everyday but now it's a chore. I used to love showering. Now it gives me too much time to think. It doesn't help that the shower curtain has dogs all over it, some white...just like Leo.

I try to tell myself that he's just a dog. Just a silly dog that was too smart for his own good. There's nothing to be sad about, nothing to cry over, but he was my silly doggie. Maybe I took him for granted too much. This is god's way of taking back the privilege since we didn't appreciate it. I wonder if he knew how much I loved him. It may not seem that way, but I did. Heh, silly dog. You were always such a handful. I guess I don't need to bring you to that vet appointment to get your contact info changed. Doesn't look like you'll be heading to Superstore by yourself anymore. Silly dog.

In the day, I try to act normal, like all is right. I do all my normal activities and try to act the same. I think I'm doing pretty well. Maybe. I can't cry anywhere but by myself. I'm not the public crier type, but it's hard sometimes. Often I'll somehow manage to forget about it all and then suddenly when I'm doing the dishes, my eyes start tearing out of nowhere.

I remember this one time when he was a puppy. We brought him outside at night and my sister and I thought he ran off cause we couldn't see him. That little rascal was actually just standing there on the road. He blended right in with the snow. It was kind of funny. All you could see were his nose and his eyes. Hehe, but he was such a pretty doggie. I bet if he could talk, he'd tell me not to call him pretty.

I need to clear his stuff away soon. I can't stand looking at it. Actually, I can't stand being here anymore. More than when I first got here. I hated it then, I hate it even more now. Today I left the house the first time since Friday to go next door. I almost faltered when I entered the shoe room. It smelled like his food. The food we always had to add canned stuff or cooked stuff in order to actually make him eat it. If it didn't have anything in it, he wouldn't eat it. What a picky dog. Spoiled rotten I tell you.

I don't know how I'm going to hold out on Tuesday when I have to go to school. I usually give him a piece of chicken jerky before I leave and wave to him when I go. Now, all I'll see is his empty house and fence. I hate that fence. I hate it so much. I want to rip it apart and burn it. Fire regulations be damned. I hate it so much.

How an I going to be able to open my window now? All I'll see is his house where he isn't going to be anymore. I miss him. I feel so empty now. I'm such a horrible owner. I was supposed to take care of him. Protect him. Look what happens.

Heh, look at all those "I's" in this post. Makes it look like I'm the only one suffering. What a horrible post.

I wish I had taken more pictures to remember him by.

My silly smart beautiful Leo.
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He died. It was just 6 hours, but we all know how things could change in a minute. Never thought it would happen, but then again, we're just like everyone else. Aren't we?

I left home for school at 4pm...I remember him looking at me through the gate. Watching me leave. I didn't even wave goodbye like I usually do.

I come home 6 hours later and everything's changed. He was still warm when I got home, short enough to still be almost alive but long enough for rigor mortis to set in. My aunt couldn't get him down on her own. I had the urge to skip school this evening. I wish I had followed through. Who knew that actually being a good student could hurt you. We didn't even do anything there. If I had skipped, maybe then I could have been there, since my room is right in front of him. I might have saved him. I could have saved him. I feel, numb. I probably should be crying more, but I don't feel anything. Maybe this is all a bad dream.

I don't know what to think. We were bad owners. I was a bad owner. I know there's no use thinking about regrets now, but I can't help it. These last few weeks have been one stress after another. This one tops it. He wasn't happy with the move. We shouldn't have brought him down. I didn't like moving down here, he didn't either.

He was probably only there for at most an hour, gone sometime between 9-10. God's way of taking back what we never appreciated. He's out there alone going cold right now, because it's raining like hell again, and it's midnight. I want my puppy back.

God. I leave him in your care. Please, let him know he's in my thoughts and dear to my heart.
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