Tuesday, February 05, 2013
Hahaha, my feelings have been disregarded again. Only, it is with
someone that I always thought would take into consideration what I felt.
That is obviously not the case. Silly me. I always knew how selfish and
inconsiderate she was, I had just hoped that it was not so. I wanted to believe she was better than that. And on top of that, it seems that she has totally brushed me off. Hahah. Sometimes I forget that people are selfish beings.
I think I am more disappointed than angry. Recently it
seems that anything I say does not matter (to her or to anyone). It is
just a bit frustrating feeling like I am insignificant. Her opinions were
always important to me because she is important to me but it seems I overestimated my value to her. It is almost like she is saying 'You mean nothing so I don't care.' I do not know anymore. I guess this feeling has just been
building up for a while and this was the final straw. It kind of makes
me lose faith in myself a little. Hahaha, I feel so dramatic but my heart kind of hurts.
I have always considered Alberta my home. I haven't told anyone yet
but I was actually planning to return home soon, but now I am not so sure.
If I went home, would I still even have a place to return to? Probably only when someone needs something done. Hahah, funny isn't it? I think what hurts the most is the feeling that I have lost a place to return to. But was it really a home when you are meaningless?
I know I do matter. If not always to the people in my life, it's to the Father. I keep telling myself that I will always matter in some way. However, it still really hurts when those I have placed my trust, betray it. To only be remembered when I am useful. What happens what I stop being useful? Will you throw me away? Sometimes it makes me think that maybe I should just disappear. Drop everything and leave. That I just....don't want to be here anymore.
But reflecting on it all it makes me wonder, have I been like that to others?
Because I am a fallible human, I probably have done so,
though unawares. I am sorry. If you are reading this and I have done
the same thing to you that has been done to me, I am so sorry. It was never my intention. If I ever do it again, please let me know. I will change.
With the situation at hand, perhaps it is time to apply a mask. Place some distance. Reduce importance. I have been exposed for so long that sometimes I just feel rubbed raw. Maybe I need to remove myself from this environment before it starts to poison me too. But for the moment, I am still hurting. I am praying for something right now. Is it some understanding, patience, tolerance? I'm not sure what.
I'm just feeling a little lonely right now.
Labels: Broken Pieces
12:09 am
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