Friday, March 01, 2013
Did you know?
Did you know that you were the only one in this family that I had utter confidence in? You would not believe the total and complete trust I placed in you. Was it misplaced? Did I misunderstand? What am I missing? It sure seems so.
I think what hurts the most is the complete lost of trust I now have in you. I feel as if doubt will now plague every interaction, every word and meaning and it hurts. It really hurts to doubt you.
What else have you lied about? And no matter how you look at it, it was a lie. You spoke one thing and did another. How can I believe you now? If you could do this, what else have you done? Can I put faith in you the next time you say something? The next time you provide another promise?
Perhaps I unknowingly had you placed on a pedestal. You have changed and not for the better. For the most part, I feel like you have let your change in body image alter your mentality. You have let the new attention to your looks and money change you.
I hear things you know. I hear about how shallow you are becoming. How you have played with others feelings. Manipulated them to your own enjoyment, and have started to slowly becoming cruel to those that do not interest you. Is this true? Do you realise what you are doing? How much you have fallen and become so much like those you used to disapprove of?
You used to be kind. You used to be more considerate. You used to be more mindful of your words. What has changed you? Was it an epiphany? Something we did? Something that disappointed you? Something that was not fulfilled? Did you feel neglected so much so that you had to become as you are now in order to protect yourself? There are so many questions.
I keep rethinking the situation. Is there a reason for your actions other than what seems like pure selfishness and callous disregard of others? Was there an extraneous circumstance that lead you to do what you did? Is there something I'm not understanding or seeing? Please, just tell me. Let it become clear.
Honestly when I look objectively at it, I myself cannot believe how big your actions have affected me; but they have. I feel as if someone has physically punched me. What you did has been such a big blow that I feel myself withdrawing. I guess it was naive of me to have believed in you as much as I did. As corny as it sounds, you broke my heart, you truly did.
I am not really sure how to interact with you now. What am I to do? Do I pretend you have not emotionally wounded me as much as you did? That you have not broken the foundation of trust I had in you? All I know is that it is going to be hard to return to how it once was. I will have to review what I say to you and how I act with you. I now know that I cannot rely on you for any other than the superficial and it pains me cause I love you.
I love you. Even with what you have done, I still do. I do not think that will ever change. However, I feel that we cannot be as close as we were before. It would break me if this reoccurred.
I am sorry but I need some time to heal. If only to let the pain dull.
God, please help me to forgive and trust again.
Labels: Broken Pieces
11:30 pm
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