Blessings are all around you, if you would only unmask them. Some are just hidden well as misfortune.

You will be all right. The troubles you are going through are momentary lessons and answers to a prayer; a crying baby, to learn patience; a rude passerby, to attain restraint; a sick loved one, to understand empathy and strength; a failure, to gather humility. In the whole scheme of things, you never know what will come out of your troubles. Turn the struggle and the things you've endured into power.

You are stronger than you realize. Loved much more than you know. It is just that not all of those around can find the words to explain.

Cry if you need to, but remember to keep moving forward.

Keep doing things that you know you will get no acknowledgement for. For people and a society grow great when men plant fruit trees knowing that they will never see them bear fruit. You in turn will be making your mark on the world, one little heartbeat at a time.

Labels: Open Prayers

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If I disappeared tomorrow, how much of an impact would my absence create?

Labels: Aimless Wanderings

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To all who read this and those that do not,

Should wealth or power come to you, may you never lose your compassion and empathy for others and become apathetic, callous and judgmental.

Labels: Open Prayers

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Did you know?

Did you know that you were the only one in this family that I had utter confidence in? You would not believe the total and complete trust I placed in you. Was it misplaced? Did I misunderstand? What am I missing? It sure seems so.

I think what hurts the most is the complete lost of trust I now have in you. I feel as if doubt will now plague every interaction, every word and meaning and it hurts. It really hurts to doubt you.

What else have you lied about? And no matter how you look at it, it was a lie. You spoke one thing and did another. How can I believe you now? If you could do this, what else have you done? Can I put faith in you the next time you say something? The next time you provide another promise?

Perhaps I unknowingly had you placed on a pedestal. You have changed and not for the better. For the most part, I feel like you have let your change in body image alter your mentality. You have let the new attention to your looks and money change you.

I hear things you know. I hear about how shallow you are becoming. How you have played with others feelings. Manipulated them to your own enjoyment, and have started to slowly becoming cruel to those that do not interest you. Is this true? Do you realise what you are doing? How much you have fallen and become so much like those you used to disapprove of?

You used to be kind. You used to be more considerate. You used to be more mindful of your words. What has changed you? Was it an epiphany? Something we did? Something that disappointed you? Something that was not fulfilled? Did you feel neglected so much so that you had to become as you are now in order to protect yourself? There are so many questions.

I keep rethinking the situation. Is there a reason for your actions other than what seems like pure selfishness and callous disregard of others? Was there an extraneous circumstance that lead you to do what you did? Is there something I'm not understanding or seeing? Please, just tell me. Let it become clear.

Honestly when I look objectively at it, I myself cannot believe how big your actions have affected me; but they have. I feel as if someone has physically punched me. What you did has been such a big blow that I feel myself withdrawing. I guess it was naive of me to have believed in you as much as I did. As corny as it sounds, you broke my heart, you truly did.

I am not really sure how to interact with you now. What am I to do? Do I pretend you have not emotionally wounded me as much as you did? That you have not broken the foundation of trust I had in you? All I know is that it is going to be hard to return to how it once was. I will have to review what I say to you and how I act with you. I now know that I cannot rely on you for any other than the superficial and it pains me cause I love you.

I love you. Even with what you have done, I still do. I do not think that will ever change. However, I feel that we cannot be as close as we were before. It would break me if this reoccurred.

I am sorry but I need some time to heal. If only to let the pain dull.

God, please help me to forgive and trust again.

Labels: Broken Pieces

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It still hurts.
I wonder if I should break off the broken branch.
Should I try to mend it.
Would it heal if I did? Would it die?

Would it even matter?

Labels: Aimless Wanderings

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Hahaha, my feelings have been disregarded again. Only, it is with someone that I always thought would take into consideration what I felt. That is obviously not the case. Silly me. I always knew how selfish and inconsiderate she was, I had just hoped that it was not so. I wanted to believe she was better than that. And on top of that, it seems that she has totally brushed me off. Hahah. Sometimes I forget that people are selfish beings.

I think I am more disappointed than angry. Recently it seems that anything I say does not matter (to her or to anyone). It is just a bit frustrating feeling like I am insignificant. Her opinions were always important to me because she is important to me but it seems I overestimated my value to her. It is almost like she is saying 'You mean nothing so I don't care.' I do not know anymore. I guess this feeling has just been building up for a while and this was the final straw. It kind of makes me lose faith in myself a little. Hahaha, I feel so dramatic but my heart kind of hurts.

I have always considered Alberta my home. I haven't told anyone yet but I was actually planning to return home soon, but now I am not so sure. If I went home, would I still even have a place to return to? Probably only when someone needs something done. Hahah, funny isn't it? I think what hurts the most is the feeling that I have lost a place to return to. But was it really a home when you are meaningless?

I know I do matter. If not always to the people in my life, it's to the Father. I keep telling  myself that I will always matter in some way. However, it still really hurts when those I have placed my trust, betray it. To only be remembered when I am useful. What happens what I stop being useful? Will you throw me away? Sometimes it makes me think that maybe I should just disappear. Drop everything and leave. That I just....don't want to be here anymore.

But reflecting on it all it makes me wonder, have I been like that to others? Because I am a fallible human, I probably have done so, though unawares. I am sorry. If you are reading this and I have done the same thing to you that has been done to me, I am so sorry. It was never my intention. If I ever do it again, please let me know. I will change.

With the situation at hand, perhaps it is time to apply a mask. Place some distance. Reduce importance. I have been exposed for so long that sometimes I just feel rubbed raw. Maybe I need to remove myself from this environment before it starts to poison me too. But for the moment, I am still hurting. I am praying for something right now. Is it some understanding, patience, tolerance? I'm not sure what.

I'm just feeling a little lonely right now.

Labels: Broken Pieces

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To all who read this and those that do not,

May you never lose your way even when you are lost.

Labels: Open Prayers

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