It's been a while...and though the hurt is less intense, it still pains me when I am reminded of it.

I miss your friendship and what we once had though from the outcome, it seems that it meant more to me then it did to you. I think part of my problem is that I still do not know why you did it. No warning, no explanation. I asked you what it was but you brushed me off and told me it was nothing, and continued on your way. Like the last 7 years meant nothing. Was it a game to you? To see how close you could get to me then leave abruptly? If it was I have to tell you that you have a sick sense of humour. I held you in high regards, at the level of family and you told me to consider myself your sister. I did you know. Even before you told me that. You and another were the only ones I truly considered friends cause to me I believe that friendship is not how long someone has know another but how they connect. Though some may disagree with me.

Maybe my cousin is right, I do not make friends or try to socialize in fear of getting hurt again. But I do not think that is a reason why. Though it may be wrong, I just do not want to become dependent and in a way, being friends is a dependence. Though what has happened in regards to you could be used as a explanation of my views. After all experiences shape an individual.

I sometimes wish that things were different. Would you have stayed my friend if I were prettier? Smarter? Keh...pathetic. If it were I guess in the end that would not have really been a friend. But as we can see, in the end, you really were not a friend. Probably wasn't one to begin with. Maybe I some how smothered you too much or something. Could it have been different if I pressed you more for a reason? We will never know I guess. I can not help but resent you in the slightest bit. I guess it's true that there is a thin line between love and hate. Sometimes now when I am reminded of what happened I hate you with the greatest of my being, but I can not seem to hold on to things like that for long. In the end, the short lived resentment is just tired acceptance of the fate.

All the times we spent together you, me and another. We were known as the three c's in high school. We were always seen together, or somewhere nearby. I wonder where that went. I now realise all must have been a illusion. But even with the pain you caused me, I forgive you cause....I don't know. I guess it is because I love you like a sister still and when you love another you can find it in yourself to forgive them for even some of the worst things. Now I just want to put this behind me. I do not know what I would do if another left me. Cause I only had two. Now it is just one.

That's why I was hesitant to acknowledge the comment that I was like family when another mentioned it. When you told me the exact same thing it wasn't long after that you left me without a word. I wanted to acknowledge it but was afraid for the stupidest reason. What if it was because of that thought that you deserted me? For some reason those words have become an end point, the verge to collapse. I didn't want to go through that again. She is closer to me then you were and if I was as devastated as I was when you left, I would be destroyed if she left. Though I held your friendship precious along with hers.

Still even now I cannot help but hope our once apparently psuedo friendship to be fixed I know even if that were to happen nothing would be the same. I don't think I could let you close again. Trust you as I once did again. It has hurt me too much the first time. I guess you had your reason that I may never understand. I just wish you told me that reason for anything is better then 'because'.
0 comments